Cassandra's Scribblings

Doesn't Time Fly!

2010-03-06T23:50:00.002+01:00

4 months of flying by in this case and it really has flown. There's been no time to sit around wondering what would happen next, although 'what next' is a constantly recurring question, just have to ask it on the run.

I got through my radiotherapy with eyelashes intact but a few bald patches, the most noticeable one right on the crown of my head at the parting but fortunately I couldn't see it in the mirror so I didn't let it bother me. More of a problem was the fact that I couldn't colour my hair until 3 months after my treatment finished - that's 4.5 months of re-growth and as the grey roots grew my confidence plummeted and I avoided looking in mirrors, shop windows or any vaguely reflective surface.

Of course life continued during these low ebb months and at a pace I've never experienced before, made worse by the tiredness caused by the radiotherapy.

The house purchase in England went through very smoothly, so smoothly we completed about 10 days early. That meant moving only 3 days after my treatment finished and spending a weekend packing boxes when I should have been resting. Of course I thought it would be fine because I could rest at the other end but oh no, that was not to be. We couldn't get the heating going in the new house, a very old house but new to us, and then the weather turned nasty, well it was December. We were without heating, other than a borrowed convector heater, for 3 weeks and spent much of it huddled in to 1 room. The rest of the time we were running around trying to get quotes for various jobs and visiting hospitals to see a close friend who was very ill and some general running about helping to get things sorted for him.

Even Christmas couldn't go smoothly as I had to pick the kids up on different days, one of them on Christmas day afternoon while the dinner was cooking on a low heat. Peaceful it wasn't but I guess it was kind of fun in the end and they both stayed a few days so we had some rest time.

January saw the round of hospital visits start up again for myself as well as our friend this time and I had the first of two trips up to Glasgow for check ups, the second being in February. All is well with my treatment and I'm not due another check until September but we are on regular hospital trips with our friend who is now on chemotherapy. That's likely to go on until mid April at least.

In the middle of all this we have still been trying to sort our our house refurbishment and have only got round to the bathroom re-fit this week, 3 months after moving in. It was a nightmare getting quotes and the reality of the refit has been worse - a week and it's still not finished. I am now sworn off more work on the house for a few months apart from essential jobs or minor decorating but despite all that I've been looking for a job. Yes, with all that going on I've still managed to get bored.

Physical activity and stress do not necessarily stimulate the mind and they certainly do nothing to help with the lack of routine and stability. Of course jobs are scarce at the moment and with my recent medical history it's tough convincing employers I'm not a bad risk so in the short term I've decided to do some voluntary work. Next week I start work with a charity called Headway that works with people who have an acquired brain injury. It seemed kind of appropriate since my tumour is technically a brain tumour, although I've been lucky and not suffered any neurological damage - or as the registrar put it "the effects are mainly mechanical"!

As new beginnings go this one is taking a long time to get going but hopefully I'm on the right road now, after all it's March and that means Spring is just around the corner. The season of new beginnings.

Catching Up

2009-10-25T02:00:00.004+02:00

It's been quite a while since I was last here and a lot has happened since then. One important thing didn't happen though. After months of legal wrangling over water rights and environmentally correct drainage we were forced to pull out of the purchase of the cottage. We were disappointed and more than a little bit pissed off about the amount of money we had spent on surveys and legal fees but life goes on and we had to sit down and take stock of our situation and what to do next.

Things had moved on with the treatment plan for my meningioma and we knew that the radiotherapy would be finished well before Christmas. We also new that once it started we would be pretty much trapped were we are for around 6 weeks and since all my family are a 6-7 hour drive away it really brought it home to me how isolated we are here. My original intention was to go back to work full time and maybe see if I could carve a career of sorts but the meningioma got in the way of that and as we'd moved to a new area that meant my opportunity to meet people was gone. I had no support network, just my husband and it's not fair to put the whole burden of my condition (I refuse to accept that it's an illness) on him so I tend to bottle things up because there's no-one to talk to. Add to this my parents aren't in great health and my kids are struggling in the recession and the choices narrowed. The final thing that tipped the balance was location. We have problems with anti-social behaviour were we are and really don't know the local area, or anywhere in Scotland, well enough to make an informed choice.

We decided there was only one thing to do. Move back to England, to the area where we have family, friends and a reasonable knowledge of the localities. Conscious of the start date of my treatment we decided to go down for a long weekend to do some house hunting. Using the internet we made a short list of possibles and set up the appointments, then headed down the motorway for a busy weekend.

No 1 was on a very busy road opposite a big pub, so we politely looked round and then immediately crossed it off our list.

No 3 was OK. I can't describe it as any better than that but it just didn't wow us with any possibilities.

No 4 was a nice house, with definite possibilities but on another very busy road, we struggled to park just to view it, so that one was out as well.

No 5 was very nearly the one. Needed lots of work but had possibilities, then we found out that a fair with a potential for trouble was held in a park behind the house regularly. With the trouble we've had where we are that ruled that one out.

No 6 was another nice house but to make it suit us we would have had to knock down walls and that would have been messy, time consuming and it still wouldn't have been what we really wanted.

That brings me back to No 2. In a quiet village, reasonably near to parents, a little further from the kids but close enough and most importantly, the almost perfect layout for us. It was a house we didn't think existed but here it was - and also substantially over budget! We only booked the viewing as a wild card choice and I'd actually hoped I wouldn't like it, ho hum, more thinking to be done.

Well we thought and we added up and we subtracted and we realised that we really couldn't afford it but could try an offer, which would still be a gamble but sometimes you have to do that.

So we did. We put in a low offer, rejected. A higher offer, acceptable with a but. Then a surprise compromise from the seller, which sent us off in to another round of soul searching and counting the pennies after which we were the ones to accept.

We're now two weeks in to the buying process and so far so good. If luck is on our side this time, and I think we deserve it, we'll be done & dusted by mid December and living in our new (to us) home and asking for paint & wallpaper as Christmas presents.

One last thing, probably the most important but I'm still trying to ignore it. My radiotherapy started last Tuesday. So far it's going well. I still have all my hair, my eyelashes are intact and the only thing making me tired is the silly time I have to get up to go to the hospital. I hope it stays that way.

Plans? Huh!

2009-08-26T22:25:00.002+02:00

We may still have a cottage to buy but it's not gonna happen when we planned. The paperwork that turned up was missing one vital piece and despite our solicitors chasing it as soon as they became aware it still hadn't surfaced by late this afternoon. That leaves us only 3 working days till the end of the month so there is no chance of completing for then.

The new date they are working towards is 11th September. Yeah, I know it's only another 2 weeks but that depends on them finding the missing piece of paper or finding a way round it!

Busy Times

2009-08-20T17:18:00.001+02:00

Our dream cottage is moving a little closer to reality.

After a delay of almost a month because the owner didn't have the correct title deeds the paperwork is finally on it's way to our solicitor. Thanks to a specialist legal post service they use here in Scotland it will definitely be with them tomorrow and, amazingly, they think we can still complete on time as long as there are no strange clauses in the contract.

That gives us just 7 working days! Sounds impossible but everyone's finances are in place so it's just a paper trail and as we won't be moving in straight away there's no frantic packing to do.

First job, once we get the keys, will be to assess what we have with all the clutter cleared then work out a programme of works with the aim of moving in before Christmas. There are walls to be stripped and insulated, bathrooms to be moved, a new kitchen to be fitted and complete re-decoration throughout. We may even move the front door if the current (vague) plan comes together. I plan to take lots of before & after pictures and a blog on the progress or lack of! I don't do video so a video diary is not an option.

Oh my, that means I'll be working through NaNo, maybe I can combine the refurbishment with a tale of hidden rooms and unearthed treasures :-) If that wasn't enough we also have a pre-booked weekend away in September and a wedding to go to on 31st October down in England. Busy, busy, busy!

NaNoWriMo Time

2009-08-20T13:34:00.003+02:00

Yay, only 10 weeks (ish) till NaNo starts :-)

Oh my! Time to get thinking :/

Reflections

2009-08-17T00:52:00.006+02:00

It's hard to believe it's been over a year since I wrote anything here. The last time I did my life was full of renewed hope and expectations some of which have been met and exceeded but in other ways I've crashed & burned; I just hope there's a little bit of phoenix somewhere in my genes.

The good bits first.

I found a great writers group. It was difficult at first, so many of the members are established professional writers or very accomplished amateurs, but they made me welcome and I've made some good friends. Better still, working with them has given me the confidence to push my own writing that bit further. I even won a couple of awards! Now I just have to find the confidence to submit something for publication.

The not so good.

I managed to find work, not bad for someone who had been out of the work place for 3 years so had no up to date skills. Unfortunately it didn't last long as it was with a bank in the middle of the financial crisis. I didn't get laid off, I couldn't stand the appalling way they treated their customers or the bullying culture within the organisation; so I left. Stupid I know but morality has always won over common sense with me. I took another job in an office but, just like the bank, they managed through bullying and intimidation. I could have stayed and fought but health problems were being worsened by the working conditions so I gave up another job.

Which brings me to the bad bit.

I have a meningioma, which is a type of brain tumour, but in my case it's wrapped around my optic nerve. A swelling behind my eye was discovered during a routine eye test just 10 days after we arrived in the UK and was eventually diagnosed as a meningioma after 2 MRI scans and consultations with an ophthalmologist and a neurosurgeon.

Fortunately it's benign; probably. Because of the location they can't do a biopsy and removal is impossible so it'll be fractionated radiotherapy sometime very soon to stop it from growing. They can't shrink it though so once the treatment is over I'll be exploring new career options as the damage to my eyesight is irreversible and I can no longer use computers quickly enough for a commercial environment. My sight is still good but my eyes don't work together properly so fast scanning of screens is difficult, as is concentrating on a computer screen for any length of time.

But I'm one of the lucky ones; it could have been so much worse. If we hadn't moved countries it might not have been discovered for years, it's not malignant and the doctors can preserve most of my sight. I'm counting my blessings.

Good things to come.

We're in the process of buying a very old cottage which will take some months to restore but when it's done will give us more space and I will have a study to work in and maybe make those writing dreams come true. It's always good to have a dream.

Moving On

2008-04-17T01:58:00.003+02:00

The decision is made and I can't, don't want to, turn back but it's still scary. After 2½ years in Spain we've decided to leave. The weather's great, most of the time, and the people, the ordinary people that is, are mostly nice, welcoming and tolerant of us guiris but the country is so corrupt, the authorities so hostile and obstructive that we've decided to cut our losses and move to more friendly shores. So in a about 12 weeks time we're off to Scotland. No guaranteed sunshine but one of the friendliest countries I've ever been to and a government that welcomes enterprise and actively helps people to achieve their dreams, from the born and bred to the newest of immigrants. I don't know what our future holds but at least we have one now instead of stagnating in the negativity of Spain.

Short Story Competition

2007-09-24T12:50:00.000+02:00

I've entered 2 stories in to the TooWrite short story competition. The titles are Frogs, Snails and a Stegasauraus, which you can find at www.toowrite.com/frogs-snails-and-a-stegasauraus-8988 and La Elegante, which you can find at www.toowrite.com/la-elegante-9529

The competition closed on September 20th and then went to a 2 week voting period, so about 10 days left if anyone wants to take a look.

That's if there's anyone out there reading this!

http://www.toowrite.com/frogs-snails-and-a-stegasauraus-8988
http://www.toowrite.com/la-elegante-9529

2007-06-12T23:40:00.001+02:00

Found this link on a friends myspace site. It never fails to amaze me how unnervingly accurate these things can be :-/

What Your Soul Really Looks Like

You are very passionate and quite temperamental. While you can be moody, you always crave comfort.

You are a grounded person, but you also leave room for imagination and dreams. You feet may be on the ground, but you're head is in the clouds.

You believe that people see you for how you are, not how you look. But deep down, you know that's not exactly true.

Your near future is in a very different place (both physically and mentally) from where you are right now.

For you, love is all about caring and comfort. You couldn't fall in love with someone you didn't trust.

Inside the Room of Your Soul

Buzzing

2007-06-12T23:26:00.001+02:00

Nearly 2 years in Spain and finally life gets exciting! What did we do today? The Alhambra in Granada? The Mesquita in Corboba? The Gorge in Ronda? No, we went to Ikea in Murcia :-) Who says shopping ain't the new religion!

Sssssnake!

2007-06-11T19:28:00.000+02:00

I saw a snake today. Big deal? Yes, because it was the first live snake I've ever seen in the wild. Luckily there were no other cars about, it wouldn't have done my reputation any good for people to know I slowed down to let a snake get safely across the road :-)

Science vs Romance - The Cure

2007-06-05T01:22:00.001+02:00

2007-04-11T18:28:00.000+02:00

High Tension

Cotton wool clouds dotted sparingly in a powder blue sky

Reeds nestle in the brook, whispering softly in a gentle breeze

Tiny rabbits play on the verge, undaunted by the occasional passing car

Even the distant barking of dogs fails to disturb the tranquillity of the day

But it is disturbed!

A creeping menace crosses this land

Heard beneath the whispering reeds, quieter than the babbling brook

But heard, a low hum, sinister and constant

Metallic giants march across this rural land

Cables strung between them, bunting without flags

No fiesta here, just conflict, nature versus progress

Progress to enable, to move forward, to develop

To feed the addictions of modern life

Where rabbits play on our television screens

and our children play with games consoles

and we talk in cyber space

While our real space is slowly, systematically destroyed

By Progress

Good News!

2007-02-12T15:46:00.000+01:00

We've just had the results of our dog's blood test and the leishmañosis has gone! The test was negative :-) Didn't know that was possible once they had a positive test but we're not complaining, just a bit stunned at getting such unexpected good news.

Lost in Words

2007-01-29T23:36:00.000+01:00

Steeped in other worlds

Dreams of ancient lands

Faraway places

Planets unknown

Magical creatures

Mythical beings

Heroes and Heroines

Wizards, Witches and Monsters

And me

Sharing their worlds

Till the final page turns

The Party

2007-01-02T00:36:00.000+01:00

This very short story was written as a time and word constrained exercise at my creative writing group.

The Party

It’s going to be a great night, even if I have to move hell and high water to get there on time. It’s my best friend’s birthday and Rob has gone to so much trouble to arrange the party, I have to be on time, just this once. I’m leaving work early today so everyone’s getting the answer-phone for the last hour. Can’t be dealing with an Irene crisis when I need to be somewhere!

Home at last. Late of course, I forgot about school traffic! I’ll have to move like a Duracell bunny on acid to make it on time. I can’t let Susie down though, she’s been my walking, talking diary forever and I owe her.

Taxi phoned, hair done, make-up done, dress ironed, check feet to make sure I’m not wearing slippers. Breathe!

Something weird’s going on. The pub’s empty, except for a couple of old-timers nursing their usual half of Guinness and Stan doesn’t look as if he’s expecting a crowd. The back room’s locked as well and it’s not as if I’m early, it’s 10 past 7. Not bad for me actually! I hope I’ve got the right pub, can’t check with Susie of course ‘cos it’s supposed to be a surprise. Or maybe I’ve got the wrong night. Think of an excuse, phone, find out where she is.

It’s not until the third ring I realise a phone is ringing at exactly the same time through the wall! And I can hear shuffling and the odd stifled cough. I looked over at Stan who has a strange expression on his face, as though he’s desperately trying to stem a yawn. The door to the back room clicks softly open and my best friend is standing there with a huge grin on her face. “I knew you’d ring eventually” she laughs. “and I knew you’d have forgotten what day it is” she adds with a sly grin.

My wedding day was supposed to be the happiest day of my life but this surprise divorce party beats it hands down!

Running

2006-12-21T21:51:00.000+01:00

Running

Rat race in full swing

Running to stand still

Underpaid, overworked, taxed to the hilt

Two weeks holiday crammed into one

Dreams of escaping fuelled briefly

Shades of grey defining seasons

Light grey where summer blue should be

Winter’s dark and leaden skies oppress

A week’s holiday crammed into a long weekend

Dreams of escaping dimly remembered

Work engulfs, targets raised

Deadlines made and missed

Rumours fly, speculation abounds

A long weekend becomes one day flextime

There was a dream once

Wasn’t there?

2006-12-07T17:53:00.000+01:00

We had some upsetting news today. Our dog's annual leishmaniosis blood test result came back showing that he is positive, slightly. The vets haven't really explained what slightly means, they've just said have him tested again in 3 months, poor Connor. Poor Geoff, I don't know how he'll cope if his baby gets sick :-(

Dark Places

2006-12-07T01:46:00.000+01:00

Can you really pinpoint the moments that changed your life? The events that make us what we are?

The days, dark days, special days or just different days that shape and mould the adults we will become.

Or is it just wishful thinking? Something or someone else to blame for our own inadequacies.

Can you really blame a seven year old bully for making us fear ridicule as an adult?

Can you blame the thoughtless adult because a careless word or two brings the insecurities crashing in?

Or is it all inside, bottled up, stemmed, hidden. Given the time of day only in the dark of night when no-one is there to pick fault or tell you to pick yourself up, pull yourself together, not to be so stupid.

When no-one is there to pick up the pieces, to re-assure, to still the echo of the seven year old child that is crying out to be heard, to be allowed to be without judgement.

When there is only you, only me, only ones self to ask the questions that will remain unanswered in the maelstrom of the quiet times.

Quelled by the arrival of the day and the need to move on, forgive, forget.

Until next time.

Damn!

2006-12-05T16:42:00.000+01:00

Three is not the magic number. Coincidence 3 was not what I had hoped, although the connection was there, just not the right one. This time. I keep hoping.

Do You Believe in Coincidence?

2006-12-04T21:20:00.000+01:00

They say things happen in three's, whoever 'they' are :-/ But do they, or is it just coincidence? Is it a sign, someone or something saying Go For It!, or wishful thinking when the dream refuses to give up and die. Three things happened yesterday and third hasn't played itself out yet so I still don't know but my heart is stronger than my head so fate is still in the lead.

The first was my horoscope, always believed when it sounds good! This is what it said -

Hit rewind and you'll see a few opportunities you've overlooked. These possibilities still remain -- it's just a question of seeking them out. Timing is everything when reigniting sparks, so wait for the right moment.

Then I checked the rest of my emails and I had a comment on my blog, thank you Natalie, which seemed to tie in with the horoscope.

The third and perhaps strangest of the three was a note pushed under my front door sometime on Sunday evening. An aquaintance, don't know him well enough to call a friend yet but well enough to know he's trustworthy, wanted to speak to me about something of mutual interest. I've tried to phone him today and vice versa but we keep missing each other and the longer I wait the more my curiousity grows.

Three things, on the same day, linked to my post of the previous day. Is Three the magic number?

One Day

2006-12-01T21:57:00.000+01:00

Woke up this morning and thought today would have been the day, if only!

If only I was more determined, if only I had more money, if only the woman who was gonna rent us the shop hadn't pulled out for no good reason, if only the other place hadn't been sooo small and twice the rent!

If all those things were different then today would have been the day my bookshop opened, La Libreria.

Of course if it had happened I would been working 7 days a week from now on cos I would have had to also sell newspapers & magazines and stuff to make it pay but since I don't really do anything at all at the moment it would have been OK. For a while!

Oh well, one day, if it's meant to be, it'll happen.

2006-11-29T23:27:00.000+01:00

Just back from 10 days in cold, wet England. Nice shops, shame about the weather!

2006-11-17T23:54:00.000+01:00

Lazy Days

Eyes open slowly

And quickly shut tight

Sunlight too strong to take

Blissful darkness takes over

Snuggled in warm duvet

But the day beckons

Nagging, insistent vamp

Cajoling from slumber

Enticing from dreams

Wakefulness drifts in

Aided by shrill alarm

Hit snooze button, checkmate

2006-11-16T01:51:00.000+01:00

I had my first piece of work published today, or yesterday depending on the time zone when this is posted :-/ It's only in a local freebie newspaper/magazine; but it's there, in print, with my name at the end, WOW! I keep looking at it, just to make sure it's real :-)

2006-11-13T22:52:00.000+01:00

The Last Day of Summer

A chill breeze steals the warmth from the sunless day; insidious in its demand for attention.

“Summer’s gone, summer’s dead” seems to be the soft whisper of the breeze, heard beneath the cheerful banter of the last visitors and the ever optimistic drone of ‘Hey Baby’ from the stereo.

Chocolate Surprise Sundaes are rejected in favour of Treacle Sponge and Custard as the day succumbs to the breeze and the chill reaches beyond the beach, past the paseo and slips into the sheltered confines of the terrace. Tugging at turned up collars, denied by the jeans that have replaced shorts, only discarded serviettes paying it scant attention.

Remnants of summer linger, forlorn dog-eared flyers drift into corners of car parks, carelessly discarded ice-cream wrappers blowing like tumbleweed, assisted by that oh so insistent chill breeze; determined to push summer away.

Back out, across the paseo, beyond the beach, the sea joins in the sombre mood of the day. Gone is the blue sparkling light dancing off the waves, replaced with an angry churning grey, like unpolished steel, crashing onto the beach with murky grey breakers.

But far, far out to sea a tiny break in the clouds allows a glimmer of sunlight to trickle through. A tiny ray of hope on the distant horizon.

2006-11-10T16:08:00.000+01:00

The sun is out at last :-) Woke to the sound of rain for the 5th morning in a row. Another dismal grey day in sight and the depression was sinking deeper. Is it possible to have S.A.D. after only 4 sunless days? No problem now though, the sun came out around 12.00 and every ray lifts my mood a little higher!

2006-11-09T23:02:00.000+01:00

Dreamscapes

Strange landscapes

Altered states

Images changing without warning

Solid ground

Instantly quicksand

Then marshland

Then no land

Floating in mid air

Choice removed

Until sunlight wakes the dreamer